I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
