I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i think my tv is drunk
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
