I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize