I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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