And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I want her autograph on my taint
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
