This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You ate ashes out of my bong
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