I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
