I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
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