if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
