I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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