One girl and one boy is just not enough.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
