found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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