you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
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He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
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drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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