I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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