New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
