Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
