If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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