Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
