I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
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Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
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I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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