I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
