I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
