So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
