when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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