If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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