I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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