we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
