My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Two words: blizzard sex
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
