Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
