He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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