It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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