i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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