remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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