so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
