I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
