If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
