I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the day after is always just damage control
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
