Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
