oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
