We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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