I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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