Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
send nudes
from the living room?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
