my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
