Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
