The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
