I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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