i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize