Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
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he confused my yawn for an orgasm
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
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When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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