dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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