It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
