The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
