How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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