Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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