Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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