just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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