don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
