Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
