i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
