omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
