People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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